Did you grow up in a home filled with parental narcissism? There are very few perfect childhoods. So you must learn to make peace with the past to heal and strengthen yourself. Accepting a parent’s mental illness is not an easy task.
Children need their parents to love, support, encourage and nurture them during their formative years. Unfortunately, when a child is deprived of these basic things, he or she must develop coping mechanisms to get by. As an adult, you will use these same mechanisms out of habit, which can cause many problems in your relationships.
When you grow up with parental narcissism, it often contributes to soul loss. Although this term may sound strange, it simply means that you have unresolved wounds and trauma in your life. All of these unresolved failures and issues accumulate and alter your thought processes.
If you want to heal from the things you endured as a child, you have to recognize that the things that were done to you were wrong. You cannot justify or excuse these actions, because you must get to the source of your pain. Once you learn to process it, release it and move on, you will find that your outlook on life will change dramatically.
These fourteen things reveal parental narcissism
parental narcissism
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If you grew up with a parent with a mental illness, you probably thought you were the one with the problem. It’s not unusual to doubt yourself and even your feelings about your parents. Do you struggle with constant guilt about your childhood?
If you have suffered from parental narcissism, you probably feel a lot of guilt and shame about your upbringing. Don’t beat yourself up anymore. It’s time to recognize the signs of a parent who had a problem so you can let go.
1-Your parents make you feel guilty
Guilt is a common tool that is used to control a person. For example, if they want you to do something you don’t want to do, they may reel off a list of all the sacrifices they have made for you.
It makes you feel like you owe them or are indebted to them. Since narcissists are masters of manipulation, they may play the guilt card to make you look like putty.
2-Their love was circumstantial
Unfortunately, most narcissistic parents control others through love. When you did something they were proud of, their love was overflowing.
However, when you made a mistake, they might say things that hurt your self-esteem. They might even go so far as to tell you that they didn’t love you. Another common trick is the silent treatment, or they may become physically abusive
3-They took revenge
It’s sad when parents act like children. When you defy them or do something wrong, they want to make sure you are punished.
Like a child who wants revenge, they would break something that meant a lot to you or sabotage your relationships. They were able to stoop to the lowest level to get back at you.
4-They lied to you
Nothing is harder for a child than not having a trusting relationship with their parents. When your parent tells you that you are going to have a birthday party or that you are going to the mall on Saturday, you believe them.
However, the narcissistic parent will lie about all sorts of things. You learned early on that you can’t trust them or rely on their promises because they tend to be pathological liars.
5- They called you names
Many children tell of being bullied at school. However, few can say that their parents were the bullies. As you grow and develop, you go through many stages.
Who doesn’t have pictures where their hormones and the different seasons of life have made them look bad? However, your parents were always quick to point out anything negative about you. If you gained a few pounds, they were the first to insult you.
Being insulted every time you do something stupid or have a physical characteristic is something that takes years of therapy to get over. Your self-esteem is built up over the formative years, and your parents made sure that you had low self-esteem.
6-They were controlling
Parents must control their children by nature. However, victims of parental narcissism have an entirely different type of control unleashed on them. Parents may use emotional blackmail to get what they want
Children who live with narcissists may go to bed without dinner, be confined to their room for days at a time, or have no connection to the outside world. All of this is done because the parent didn’t get what they wanted.
7- Your success is their success
Your parent can never let you have the glory. If you got an “A” on your science project, they take credit for it by saying they did most of the work.
If you went to college and got a good education, they can take credit for that by saying they pushed you to be all you could be in life. They can’t let anyone stand in their way, even their children.
8- hey use fear tactics
Some people don’t know how to parent, even if they don’t have a mental disorder. The narcissist will use fear to try to get you to do what they want. For example, he may have slapped you and left a bruise on your arm.
Rather than take responsibility for his act, he tells you that you must not tell anyone. Their reasons are that if you tell anyone, they will remove you from the house and put you in a foster home.
They will never see you again. Even if they are abused, children still love their parent. Scare tactics are common when you try to manipulate others.
9- Your feelings were never taken into account
Your parents had only one goal, to better themselves. They made you move across the country, uprooted you from your schools, and did horrible and manipulative things. However, they never considered your thoughts or feelings.
Not all decisions come down to a child’s opinion, but you never had anyone who listened to you or cared about your injuries. Even if it was just a breakup with a boy or a girlfriend from school, they didn’t have time to hear your heartache.
10- They have a “golden child”.
Although most parents say they don’t have a favorite, most do. The key is that each child has a unique personality and some are easier to relate to than others. Remember the story of Cinderella?
The wicked stepmother had two daughters she loved very much, and Cinderella was hated. You may have grown up in a situation where you felt left out because you were clearly not your parents’ choice. The “golden child” copes with things that you could never do.
11-He uses codependency control methods
Another common way for narcissists to control is through codependency. Perhaps your parents wanted you to avoid going to college or getting married. So they would tell you that they would not live or continue to live if you left home.
They may go so far as to say they will commit suicide or die from loneliness. These tactics are just trying to manipulate you into doing what they want, which is to stay stagnant in a horrible situation
12- There were no appropriate boundaries
You never grew up with healthy boundaries as a child, and there was no space to call your own. Your parents would come into your room and go through your diaries and things as if they were their own. Also, anything they found derogatory was used against you to further their agenda.
13- They used gaslighting techniques
The term “gaslighting” describes psychological manipulation. They work to make you think you are going crazy to get the upper hand. As a result, you doubt yourself and this continues into your adult life
14- There was no empathy
A lack of empathy usually identifies parental narcissism. They never seemed to care about your crying or your hurt. The only thing that mattered to them was their feelings. Thus, your emotional outbursts were often managed by self-soothing techniques because no one was there for you.
Final thoughts on growing up when dealing with parental narcissism
Did you notice any of these signs in your childhood? How can you relate to these issues of growing up with a narcissist? If you find that this list perfectly describes your upbringing, chances are you are a victim of parental narcissism.
The good news is that you can move past what happened to you and do better for your children. When you break the chains the past holds on you, you open the door to freedom and live a new life free of that baggage.
