There’s nothing adults like more than getting angry about movies made for kids, but this week’s culture skirmish over Pixar’s innocent tween movie Turning Red is as ridiculous as dressing like a clown on purpose.
Pixar’s Turning Red is causing controversy for some reason
Pixar’s Turning Red has become an unlikely flashpoint in the culture wars since it released on Disney+ on March 11. The animated tween movies is a coming-of-age story in which puberty is symbolically represented by main character Mei Mei turning into a red panda. It’s charming and a little like Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, but Mei Mei’s father does not beat her with a cane, nor does her sister feed her scraps of rotten food. Anyway, kids and critics seem to like the movie, relating to its themes of community and family, its thoughtful, frank depictions of puberty, and its affectionate take on the cringey-ness of young teenagers.
But our nation’s assholes have some big problems with Turning Red. First off, it’s about a Chinese person who is a girl, so according to a (since redacted) Cinemablend’s review, the movie “risk[s] alienating audience members who can’t find a way into the story.” According to another variety of asshole, Turning Red is too mature for kids, as it acknowledges that 13 is an age at which many teen girls begin their periods and become interested in boys. This is “insanely inappropriate,” according to a commenter on RottenTomatoes. Menstruation? Where’s my fainting couch?
What makes seventh graders cringe?
If you have the courage to truly examine how lame you are, check out 7thGradeChronicles. This TikTok account belongs to a middle school teacher who asks his students thought provoking questions. The video that caught on asks: “What makes you cringe about your parents or guardian?” According to 13 year-olds, it’s cringe for parents to say “that’s tight,” take mirror selfies, listen to Katy Perry, and watch NCIS. Also: Parents/guardians should never dab, hang signs that read “Live, Laugh, Love” or call themselves “gangster.” I largely agree, but I would like to remind all seventh graders that their children are going to have a lot to laugh at in 25 years or so.
What the hell is clowncore, and why is it so awesome?
Every generation ends up with a regrettable fashion trend that defines it, whether it’s ‘70s disco-cocaine chic or the tribal tats and flannel of the ‘90s. I hope that “clowncore” continues growing in popularity so the current generation of young people will have a truly ridiculous fashion trend of their own. It proves my point that they’re better than previous generations in all ways, up to and including how preposterous their style choices are. Clowncore, as you’d probably guess, is defined by big, bright primary colors and exaggerated makeup. Like clowns wear. Gigantic shoes are optional, as is packing 156 of your friends into a tiny car to go to the mall. Check out the TikTok tag if you wanna see a buncha clowns.
Paris Hilton: Rage in the Metaverse
I’ve thought about this very carefully and I’ve decided it would be best for everyone if some supernatural force were to suck all the oxygen from the atmosphere so we all suffocate in our sleep. A lot of things have been leading up to the conclusion that humanity is a mistake—the controversy over Turning Red, the fact that 7th graders think I’m cringe for loving Katy Perry’s “Firework”— but the final straw came via Paris Hilton.
The used-to-be-famous-I-think Hilton was performing a DJ set at a South by Southwest party sponsored by Sandbox, which is some kind of social gaming thing that uses crypto currency to build NFTs and Web 3.0s in the Meta-labs or some bullshit. Maybe I could have dealt with the deluge of buzzwords and nonsense, but then Paris Hilton told the crowd to “Rage in the Metaverse!” and that was it. The last straw. Sorry, humanity, but we’re done here. In a perfect world, “Rage in the Metaverse!” would have been the very last words ever spoken by a human voice.
Viral video of the week: Space telescope aligned
Maybe calling for the end of existence over Paris Hilton’s DJ set is a little extreme. There’s always a counterbalancing force to even the scales, right? In searching one out, I came across this week’s viral video! It’s a live-stream from YouTuber Dr. Becky in which the young astrophysicist’s contagious excitement over the successful deployment of the James Webb Space Telescope mirror array restored some of my faith in humanity. Unlike NFTs and cryptocurrency, space telescopes that capture infrared light so we can learn how the universe started are a good way to use technology. I’m happy that YouTubers are sharing a video about it, so I guess I’ll let humanity continue to exist. For now. But you’re all on notice.
